chapter2;
I’m fearful.
Last night, after exploring the theory of my failure and the possibilities of escaping a future planned out for me, it was pretty safe to say I was lost. More than ever it seemed.
Going about being real I came to the conclusion that I’d have to leave. Ahh, leaving. everything I’ve come to know in these short sixteen years would have to be left behind for a life I wasn‘t even sure I‘d obtain.
Contemplating this idea was in itself a challenge.
On one end, I can’t be real without taking risks, that would evidently only lead me back to failure. A deadly fear. On the other, is it really possible to come back if I so happen to fail? Would I want to come back? After viewing the world as my own person, not being dictated by fears, would I want to crawl back to this life of standards and submission? These questions consumed me for a while until I thought about something I didn’t want to confront. The universe.
Following my wants, my selfish or selfless wants, I maybe upsetting the universe. FUCK ! Being trapped so long, I can only back peddle to this focal subject. Maybe it’s a sign. Perhaps the universe set this up for me? Maybe I’m set up to fail and come back so that I wont ever forsake it? No. That’s extremely unlikely.
I have to make a decision. If I go on this venture I’m most certainly not bringing those ideas with me. I’ll be open. Whatever happens, happens. Eh, it’s rather frightening leaving everything up to chance.. fuck I’m going to do it. The decision is made, part of being real is learning how to deal with the unexpected.
I guess just because you’re born fearful, doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.
